She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
