Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
