She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
