Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Randomize
