I cannot find my penis.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
