Just mADE A PArabola og urine
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
