Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Pooping to opera.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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