Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
