i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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