How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize