i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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