You made me cry and you don't even care
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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