That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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