he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
