My friends, they love my intelligence
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
