hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
