I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
