its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize