She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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