i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
