You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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