Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
