You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
