I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
