The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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