I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I love how my cats smell like pot.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
COCAINE IS GR8
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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