he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
