Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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