i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
