Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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