I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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