When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
