Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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