You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
