I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
