who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just forgot I was standing up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
