i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
