Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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