Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
