Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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