If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
