If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
