Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
