I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
