Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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