i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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