The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
