God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
