There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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