I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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