My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
