1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
