We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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