I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
