I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
