Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
