wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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