i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just sucked dick on a ferry
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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