my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im six kinds of drunk right now
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
