I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Soap is not a condiment
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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