Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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