oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Randomize
