I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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