I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
