I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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