I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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