Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
