If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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