Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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