my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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