My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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