He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Randomize
