tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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