so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
