Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
