I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
