Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
