You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
