I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
