And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
