Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
